Finally Home

As I write this first blog for my new website, I feel excited. I always want to share something powerful and authentic with you, and hope my words touch you. The other night I had a powerful dream of meeting Mary Magdalene. I don’t know it is Mary at first, just a woman in a beautiful shawl that covers her dark hair. She moves next to me and then takes my hand, looks into my eyes and says, “I’m Mary Magdalene and I have a message for you.” It is a dream and so seems perfectly natural, so I just smile and squeeze her hand in response. Later when I wake from this dream, I write down every word to capture our time together and her wisdom. Mary and I walk a country path, enjoying this spring morning with green grass and leaves sprouting on trees, daffodils blooming in the pastures alongside. After a silence, Mary speaks again and continues to talk for some time, not even pausing for breath: “You are grieving the death of your husband, Tom, but he is not dead. I, too, was widowed and understand what it is like to lose the one you love most, but Tom is not dead. Jesus is not dead. They are both alive. They are immortal and so is everyone!” I feel tears slipping down my face as she says this, and hastily wipe them on my sleeve as she continues to speak passionately. “Now you need to be in your own body, mind and heart. You need to be in your own consciousness, centered and grounded in who you are. You must not forget your mission, your purpose to be a light for all, to bring the light of knowledge, wisdom and love to as many people as you can. You must never forget why you are here! Do not ever again get lost in a relationship with another person where you change into what they wish you to be. You have done this for lifetimes, especially in this one. You take on the likes and dislikes of your partner, begin to think as they do, even dress similarly and you lose yourself in a man!” I have to stop for a moment and take several deep breaths. She is right; my daughter once called me a chameleon, changing my appearance and habits in each relationship. The impact of Mary’s words hits me hard, and I double over, holding my arms around my belly. After several more deep breaths, I stand up and again walk with her, knowing I must listen closely. Mary continues: “Now as a single woman you have a chance to be fully who you are, can be in another relationship eventually, but don’t forget to walk your own path. Be fully in your own power and don’t ever forget what you love: to write, paint, sing, be in nature. You can write a new book, perhaps about all your messages from Heaven, from all of us who are counting on you to fulfill your purpose.” She stops and faces me, takes both hands in hers and then hugs me close, whispering, “Remain strong and open-hearted. I am always with you, and Tom sends his blessings and wants you to live in joy.” With these words she walks down the path, over a slight hill and I can no longer see her. As I stand there, I realize that Mary Magdalene is my role model, a woman who understands suffering yet remains strong, going on alone without Jesus, yet now committed to sharing his teachings. I know that Tom has taught me to be more compassionate, kind, giving, focusing on others in service and doing this in love. When I wake from this powerful dream, perhaps the most important of my life, a poem practically writes itself and I call it “Finally Home.”
 It’s taken me lifetimes to fit in this skin feel at home in flesh and bone and blood, to swim through veins of red and blue, through vessels and arteries, into my heart that is not only a heart, but a portal into love: a portal into green fields of poppies and sun flowers as tall as trees, where I lie on my back, arms out, and make angels in the deep grass, surrender to this peace, this grace, look up at blue sky and fly with clouds. I can finally rest, stop searching and striving and endlessly perfecting myself, stop wishing to be someone else, to be some where else, because I have arrived, am finally home within myself. I feel as if I have more space inside me after sharing this dream and poem, and I hope my words help you in some way, help you to honor yourself and your own path. May you feel at home inside yourself!

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